I’m an emotional creature
Posted on March 19, 2012
I’m so calm and all right at the moment. Like nothing bad has ever happened to me and the world is just filled with love and happiness and rainbows and fucking unicorns. It’s always like that; the feeling I’m experiencing at the moment is the only feeling I’ve ever had and that feeling will continue until I die.
That’s why it gets so bad when it’s bad. It feels like the pain won’t ever go away, like that’s the only thing I’m capable of experiencing and I’m not properly prepared for it either. It’s like something crawls into my head and wins it over. I’m a hostage of my own mind, while this something controls all my thoughts. There is no me any more. I don’t exist, I’ve become my thoughts and feelings. I’m a black nothing.
How can I prepare for something as horrible as that without dragging myself into that very feeling in the process? I’ve never really found an answer to that - and that’s why I continue to push my feelings away until they get too monstrous, too huge to fight away, and they just swallow me whole. I would very much like to do something about that. I just can’t see how. How do I know when I should just let my feelings run wild and when it’s better to cage them in so they won’t destroy me? How do I know when to suppress them and when to accept them? Where can I possibly find an answer to that?
I know that there is no one who can tell me exactly what to do and when, because this is something I need to understand, something I need to get right. I must learn how to control my feelings myself. There is no one other than me who can do this.
How does one learn how to feel? Will I ever know what to do when it gets bad, or will I get caught in those waves time after time? Will I ever own my mind, or will it continue to own me, to throw me around and exhaust me? Will I ever know how to be truly happy? Or will it go away after twenty minutes forever?
